What is an ordinary life? Is it one where something extravagant doesn't happen? Like winning the lottery, or finding your perfect match in a sea of 6 billion people?Or is it one where you just follow the pattern - finish school, get a job, find a husband, build a house, have some kids, quit your job, do some more study, kids move out, go back to work, retire, travel, die?
If its either of those then I'm not convinced I have an ordinary life. In fact, I'm not really convinced I even understand what I just wrote.
Either way - I love life. I find life interesting and most days marvel at how spectacular the simplest things can be. I don't consider my life "ordinary" but then I haven't made a million dollars, I don't have an amazing career, I don't have the love of my life by my side. So I do nothing short of just plain nothing, but I still want to believe that my life is better than ordinary.
After a few years of soul searching, I have experienced many emotions and am still learning everyday. The journey took me to extremes - first, the gut wrenching decision to leave the life I knew because it just wasn't were I needed to be; then the heartache of leaving my best friend in search of myself knowing it'd break his heart; then that journey - the isolation and despair that comes with it; and ultimately the strength that comes with identifying the real you, and feeling like its time to make a difference.
All the while feeling hollow and empty and searching for that thing, that deep desire that burns at the very core of your soul, and feeling like you're failing if you can't find it. So I travelled many dark, lonely roads, and I've been down the Vegas strip of happy times, but at the end of the day I believe the thing that will complete me is love. I love to love, I love loving people, but I've never felt truly loved in return. I don't know yet whether its because I haven't found someone who loves me, or I just can't accept love when it is right in front of me. I don't read the signs, and I never quite trust that someone would actually want to love me.
But maybe I never let it in because I am still looking for the fairytale? I want a story to tell - I want the love of my life to just sweep me off my feet and show me a love I've never seen.
That amazing feeling of waking up next to them and smiling just knowing they're holding your heart safely, the amazing feeling of knowing that everyday will offer more amazing opportunities to grow into an amazing human being by his side, and then passes on that exceptional life to your offspring. Where is he? I know he's out there. Do I already know him? I don't know.
My biggest problem is I won't look. I know the journey of 1000 steps starts with just one, but I'm scared to start the journey in case I don't succeed. I don't want to walk 1000 steps and die alone risking that I might have taken step number 747 in the wrong direction and missed his passing. So I find it safer to sit back and hope that one day, right in the middle of my ordinary life, love will give me that fairytale.
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