To Find Yourself, Think For Yourself

I've been searching for awhile now. Searching for a meaning, a purpose, a definition. Searching for acceptance, love and approval.

I'm not certain that I have found any of those things. Its been a dark, and often misleading trail, but I have reached the edge of the dark forest and I can now embrace the light that surrounds me.

I am at peace. I know who I am. I have found my identity, I have located my strengths and I have identified my weaknesses. I think my weaknesses are what makes me strong.

An overwhelming desire to be loved and accepted, and approved of. Sometimes so much so that I constantly seek confirmation from those around me that I'm ok. That I'm accepted. That I'm good enough. That can be exhausting for the people in my life. I don't know that I'll ever overcome that feeling. Somethings are hard wired and you just have to accept they are part of your makeup. I will always hold deep feelings of abandonment, no matter how well adjusted I am or well I cope with my reality, the truth is that deep down somewhere very, very deep in my core, I don't feel like I could ever accept being loved. Because by accepting it, I leave myself open to being left again. I love so unconditionally, but I can never find the strength inside of myself to believe that anyone could love me the way that I'd love them back. For this reason I give myself so much more than I can physically or emotionally afford to, but its purely hedonistic. I feel that if I give enough of myself everyone there will no reason not to love me back.

My strengths, well they are many. I am strong. I am independent, and I have started to think for myself, and in that thinking I have the person who I am. I don't like some elements of that discovery, but try as I may, they are the things that make me who I am and they are there whether I like it or not.

I'm not an attractive person. I am certainly lacking aesthetically, but I have a big heart and its full of love and warmth. I am not a selfish person, and I will let someone drain the very life from my soul in an attempt to let them try to love me.

Now that I have discovered who I am, the time is right to let others find out too. And who knows, that might just be the time to open that door ever so slowly and give someone a damn good chance at loving me the way I deserve to be loved.

For the first time in my life I am thinking clearly. I am thinking about today. I am planning for tomorrow but not with the same focus I had when I was in the shadows. I am taking each day as it comes and embracing the fact that I can enjoy it. My thoughts used to be preoccupied with who will love me now. I am damaged. I am scared. But now, my thoughts are that today I am alive. And that is a good day. By taking control of my thoughts and thinking for myself, not thinking about what everyone thinks of me, I have found myself. And I like me.